Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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