dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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