my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
farters have to be the big spoon...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
