i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
