just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
