Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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