she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
