i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We talked him into tasing himself.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
