she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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