the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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