Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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