I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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