Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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