My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
