My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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