I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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