they need to just BURY HIM!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
