i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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