i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
