Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
