mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
