I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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