Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
