i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
