Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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