Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you would pick up someone in the library
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
