just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
