Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
