Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
