Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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