i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
