last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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