Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I puked a lego.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize