He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
