I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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