Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
