So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
