i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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