Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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