I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
