Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
