That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
