Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
