Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
