Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
