Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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