Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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