My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
