omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
