I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
