i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
