wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
