woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My breasts were aching with rage.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
