just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize